Speak Up

It's been a few years since I stopped smoking, I don't keep count since I have no intentions to ever start again. How I started was with an ex of mine. Sad to say he was everything I could of hoped for and more. I immediately fell in love with him(even though he had a serious case of narcolepsy). At the time he had been sober for 6 months (I didn't know anything of his past addiction), although I knew about his addiction to alcohol and his problems with staying awake ALL his life (which became frustrating to him, I was okay with him falling asleep in public). He tried to kill himself with his drinking, he spat up blood in the shower in scary amounts. He had cried one night and confessed he had wanted to die and drinking was going to help him get him there. So I made a promise to him that I would drink and not to leave his side. As a few months pass by, with me living with him and having his back...he didn't feel the need to drink as much; which lasted a month. It wasn't till he landed a construction job in LA and some of the co-workers were smoking. I remember it so clear...he came home from work, sat down, and pulled the pipe out. I didn't smoke till I saw him pull it out the second time. I had him "shotgun" the smoke to me....and there is where it started....2008 I weighed 125lbs. and then weighed 80 lbs in a month or two. I loved it. I'll admit to it. It made colors like more vivid and my love for this guy just boosted my senses. He landed another job in sheet metal, which meant he had to travel. He said he's done it before but doesn't like the "life on the road" too much, so of course I tagged along. For a while I had lived in motels and hotels just tweaking waiting for him to come home. I remember for a few months I had lost my mind. It felt as if my conscious was fully aware of my actions and paranioa but couldn't control it. Like looking through a locked door with a small window to the outside world. I had attempted several suicide attempts which all ended with me crying; praying for any sign to convince me otherwise. I had lost all faith in GOD and cussed him out everynight for not taking me out of my situation. As for HIM....well he cheated on me every day, no joke. In the motel, in the next room, loud as hell. sigh Things got worse, he used me as a sex toy and abused me heavily. My family life had depleted, mom had taken all my pictures down in the house. My father had stuck to my side and my sister was forbidden to see me. One thing though, although the phycosis did come into play, other things/people attract to you. This lady that his father was dating had a big mental problem, we later hod found out that she was putting 5 to 8 bug bombs into the vents in the house and had ran the air when she set them off and went to work. It wasn't too long before I was coughing up blood as a result. We had later found some documents explaining the reason why "life insurance"...I wanted to stop using, and even though he was cheating on me, I couldn't leave. The love I had for him was stronger than my addiction in its self. On Chritstmas one year I begged him to buy me a dog (since mine had passed a few months before) and that it would help me be clean and not to leave him at the same time. Well once I got my dog I relasped under 3 times, I left him, I left the drug, I moved up north , got a job, and been clean since. This is a VERY SHORT version of my experience with meth. The other half is too horrific to mention. But quiting is possible, it's actually easy. I found my reason to live, I found my key to my lock. I began with the want to change, and I found my lifeline. Then everythng fell into place. I was with one of the major drug dealers of southern california and I made it out alive. I never paid for the stuff while I was using, it was all free for me to use, no matter how much I wanted i got it. But I'm here today drug free because no amount of money or meth will make me give up the most precious thing in my life, myself.