Speak Up

My nickname is Aspen, I'm 26 years old and a recovered meth addict. I'm about to celebrate 5 months of sobriety, it'll be a very small celebration. Big hurtle jumped, not many of my 200 friends, family members, and co workers to see it. 2 people, to be exact. Everyone else is back home, half way across the country. I had to leave the west coast to get sober. Everyone I grew up with, went to school with, worked with, my fiance, my apartment, my pets, my jobs, I either lost it because of the meth use or left it to disconnect myself from that environment and get sober. I was high constantly. I was 25 when I started using. Nobody expected a meth addiction from me. I was popular, competed and ran in local races, liked and looked up to, and helped all of my friends with food or money as much as I could on a monthly basis. I tutored my 13 year old nephew. Played with my 7 and 9 year old nieces. I nannied, worked hard in multiple jobs, I was responsible. All that stopped. Everything stopped. I lied to my family and friends and shut myself in my apartment with my fiance and stopped working. All we did was get high, have sex, scream, fight, only to get high, make up and do it all over again. Everyone I knew didn't know me any more. My hallucinations were so extreme that I never felt safe. I heard life threatening, mocking, abusive and terrifying voices screaming or yelling at me non stop. I felt that I never had a moment of privacy. When I would shower, I would hear sexually derogatory mockeries being made about my body. I would sit and cry, listening to them. And yet I would still go back to get another hit. My life became a living hell. I couldn't make a move without hearing those damn voices criticizing me. I had muscle spasms, twitches, ended up in the ER twice. Lost consciousness in my bathroom from being awake for 4 days without eating. I put my hands up to my face before blacking out, my body dropped dead weight. Wrists onto the edge of the bathtub. Another time my ex fiance and I were screaming and throwing things. I punched a mirror walking through the bedroom. Went to the hospital with a piece of glass sticking out of my hand. The scar is still there. Meth made us irrational and physically aggressive people. I look back every single day and think about what I could have done differently and how badly I messed up. Details and BS aside, I'm thousands of miles away from drug dealers I know that used to knock on my door to hook me up with bags for half price. I miss my family and friends so much everyday it hurts. I have my own apartment and a new job, a used car I just got a couple months ago. I've never lived by myself. I've started with nothing and came here to my only 2 friends in this state to get myself clean. My ex fiance and I were together 6 1/2 years. While we were using, our wedding was rescheduled 3 times. Meth destroyed our relationship. I still suffer from schizophrenic symptoms. Even though I live with a daily annoyance of voices, I feel fortunate that I can healthily function. The voices aren't threatening or violent any more. The worst part currently is, I can't even see my loved ones for Christmas. I'm here, being sober and starting new. God is my saviour, my reason for being alive. Bless my mom for leading me back to the Lord. I would have most certainly died or ended up in jail back home. There's so much more that happened... I don't feel entirely comfortable sharing my story, but if it helps anyone get clean, or prevent someone from using, then I'm willing to have it out there. Please. Take my words to heart. They're real, and this stuff can MESS UP YOUR LIFE and those around you. It is nothing but destruction, chaos, and nightmares. And I'll live with it the rest of my life. I'll never forget everything I lost, and gave up.