Speak Up

My little sister will be 19 in just a few weeks. She has been arrested 6 times since the start of 2015. She looks like crap. Her eyes are so dark. She just got out of jail last Monday, and in the week since she has gotten a job and moved into a sober living house. In the last 24 hours she has moved out of her sober living house, got high, and lied to my face. She was supposed to go to court yesterday, we went, and she started freaking out on me. She kept saying "I gotta bounce." I was so confused. She basically ran out of the court house, and while we were walking back to the car she said "Don't you see this?" "See what?" I said. "The bugs are swarming me, they are everywhere, don't you see them, I can feel them on my fingers."

But, somehow she got me to believe that she was suffering from Methamphetamine Psychosis. I am aware is a real thing, a very serious thing in fact. I didn't know she was high. So we go back to my house she was crying, then she's fine, she listens to music, she's crying, she's taking her hoodie off and putting it back on, then taking it off again. She said she had been seeing bugs for months and that I was the first one she had ever told, she said that since she told me she didn't see them anymore. I had to physically touch her to show her that they were not real.

We had plans to go to the zoo with my son, and my best friend. She said that she just wanted to go back to her house and "chill". I told her that I didn't want to drop her off because I had a feeling she was going to leave. She assured me that she was fine and was just going to talk to one of her roommates. Well, she lied, 1 week and 500 dollars later she is back to her old habits. I am 24, I have my own little family. I don't understand why she gets to interrupt my entire life. She has been set up to fail, our mom is an alcoholic and addicted to crack. We have different dads, my dad is not an addict, her dad is also addicted to crack. She uses dirty needles, she said "If anyone ever tells you they never used a dirty needle, they are lying." I think she has been using meth since November 2014 and before that she was doing heroin, also with dirty needles. My fear is that if she does ever decide to get clean and STAY CLEAN that she will have done so much damage to her body that her entire life will be ruined regardless of her drug habit. Hep C, HIV, psychosis, memory loss...the possibilities are endless. The last time she got arrested she had been awake for a week and a half. My sister has bleach blonde hair, she said when she was high she thought her hair was black. She asked me multiple times a day what day of the week it was. The first time she smoked crack was with our mom.

My heart breaks for her, but my husband's heart is breaking for me. I can't handle her anymore. I just can't. I love my little sister so much, I look at her like my daughter, even though I am only 6 years older, I feel that I have played a huge role in her life. But, apparently not a big enough role. I feel for the addict, I feel for the family's that have to see their loved ones kill themselves a little bit everyday. You are not alone. I feel little bits of myself dying every now and then. I have a heart condition. Yesterday when her sober living house leader called me to tell me my sister was leaving the house, I literally thought I was going to have a heart attack.

Dear Little Sister, I love you more than you will ever know. I hate your drug more than you will ever know. I am scared for you, I am scared that the next time I see you, your skin will be gross and infected. I am scared for your health later on in life, that is if you make it that far. I pray for you every day. I even told God you could have my place in Heaven if it meant you would finally have peace. I love you so much Sissy but I can't help you anymore. You need to help yourself. May God be with all of you.