Speak Up

I began using meth mostly out of sheer boredom. Before meth, I had never been much of a sleeper, only sleeping 4-5 hours every night. Eventually, I began hanging out with tweekers. The group of people I was around were pretty smart, and at first I never knew they did drugs. By the time I found out, I had already become best friends with a user, and had started dating one. It wasn't until after two years of watching these people use---not abuse, meth that I decided to try it. My friends all told me I had the wrong personality and constitution, and for me it would probably be dangerous. At this point Ive tried most every other drug, and I took a clinical approach to trying different substances. The first time I smoked it I was falling down drunk, so all I felt was sobriety and a headache. It was some months before I tried it again. Sometime in the spring of 2006, the place I worked closed for 6 weeks due to renovation. I decided to use it as a vacation, and the boredom I mentioned began. At this time, my best friend was only smoking a little here and there, as apparently we lived a few blocks from a (trap?) house, and one or two intravenous addicts would throw him a bowl in exchange for a spoon and a clean bathroom. We began by smoking a bowl and playing video games. Hours upon endless hours of continually destroying previously set high scores ensued. At the time, and even in retrospect. It was enjoyable. Not to mention it made my libido go nuts.I have always had great friends, smart people, we have always kept each other in line, calmly explaining to whoever was threatening a bender----you have to go to sleep or its not fun anymore. Don't waste it, you can't get high if you can't get straight. We used most all drugs this way for years. Never experienced a side effect. THEN, I discovered what having sex with a beautiful young tweeker girl was like. I knew I was in trouble the first time we got all stupid spun and had sex until all the lube was gone......By this time its 2009, and my new girlfriend turns out to be one of the first real addicts I had ever met. Also the first time I started paying for it. At first it was small, very manageable financially, it seemed to last forever. Slowly but surely, this 80 dollar a week habit turned into a 100 dollar a week habit, then 120, then 140. Then it started accelerating. All of a sudden I'm spending 300 a week(I used to get great prices)and what used to be a gram apiece for the week is an eight ball a week for each of us. This is where my story begins to show how creepy meth makes people. I didn't know my girlfriend had been physically dependent for years before we met, she had clever ways of hiding it, and had always lied her ass off about her usage. At the beginning of 2010 I was going 4 days up and 3 days down every week, working while I was up, and ignoring the world when I was down. Naturally the relationship with my GF descended to strictly a physical one. By the time we were together one year, I started having trouble getting hard enough to have sex. The drugs that had made my sex drive so healthy had now pretty much destroyed it. Since that was all our relationship had become, it was pretty much over. At this point, she's disgusted with me, and not because I was becoming an addict; because I wasn't enough of one to understand her. She finally told me that the drugs I bought her every week constituted about 1/4 of her habit. She was at close to 2 grams a day(wasting a lot hiding and ditching)with no income.......She told me eventually some of the older dealers in town would come give her a gram if she just gave them pictures of her vagina. I ran screaming from that, but I continued to use 4days every week up until August 2011. My first quit date was August 21st, but Ive had a few relapses. I still consider it a sobriety date because I broke my physical dependence. The mental part is hard. Im just hoping to go longer and longer between relapses until I die. Thanks Meth!