Speak Up

Im 35 now and have had my experiences with alcohol and drugs from about 13 on. Through the years and it has not been constant, i have realized that meth was my drug of choice. First it was the mini thins, white crosses, speed, then came crank. I never really had an addictive personality and could always walk away from thngs real quick with no problems for years at a time. I was 31 when I found crystal meth (ice) and i fell in love right from the start. Much like crank it made my hairs stnd on end, my heart pump, n i felt good, on top of the world. Unlike those around me, I was able to concentrate, focus, get things done. I was alive, had energy, was happy. I always had my house clean, food cooked for my baby, she was always clean happ and healthy. I was even told that Im better when Im high. My depression and anxiety was gone. I had more patience. And no I did not come down and crash hard. I slept at night when my baby slept, just like a normal mother would do. I wouldnt eat when I was high but i could drink...in the beginning.But the use of meth messed my body up. knocked my horomones out of line, etc. and I gained over a hundred pounds during the years i used meth.Though I showered daily, sometimes twice a day and brushed my teeth every day, my teeth still became full of cavities. I dont have sores or sunken in eyes but my hair is stringy n falls out due to my horomones being off. i always told my husband we are not addicts or junkies because we work, our bills are paid, house is clean n has food our child is in good health and the drug was never smoked infront of my baby. But as the years came to pass and little by little all was lost..our house,vehicles,everything... gone again and again..

I woke up one morning after being on a 7 day ice binge and my room stunk of cegarettes, clothes in the closet stunk so bad i had to wash them all over. I looked back on the last week n cried. We held ourselves up in the bedroom closet and smoked ice for a week. I looked in the mirror and said yes Shy u are addicted. We spent close to a grand in one week on crystal meth and we smoked it all up. I have bruises on my body because my husband had anger n beat me. My baby afraid we are gonna eave her and is afraid daddy is mad n is gonna hit mommy. Yes I am addicted, it runs through every breath I take and i want a bowl right now. My mouth waters, my hands shake because typing this makes me fiend. But I will not go there again because I know the next step would have been to lose my baby girl. and that would be death right there. o I packed our stuff up n removed us from that house leaving her daddy n my love behind. I can say yes I am an addict n I know I have a problem and i am strong enough to keep myself out of that enviorment because I know if its in front of me im going to smoke it... No drug is good. and I used to put crack on the floor but meth is just as bad. it breaks u down with out u even knowing it. like me, i didnt act or look like the typical meth head but intime i seen i was the typical meth head. Now I have an illness that will be with me for years. my kidneys r shot from dehydration. my depression and anxiety is worse. Please there is no real reason for doing meth. too lose weight, get work done,to fit in, to feel happy.. its all bogus excuses n a lead to addiction n death...