Speak Up

I'm Alaina, 21, Ohio. I used to think that I had control and all of it was just casual fun, until I started spending my paychecks primarily on meth. Somehow I still managed to keep my job (even while being high at work), pay all of my bills, and keep it well hidden from my family. I watched as my body deteriorated right in front of me regardless of how much I tried to prevent it by keeping my hygiene and whatnot in check. There is no one time thing, ever. There's no social use, no casual use. And there's no keeping it under control. It's a monster, an escape from whatever the user is trying to run from. I still haven't figured out what I've been running from but maybe once I'm completely clean and free of these chains, maybe I'll be able to find it and truly deal with it instead of running from it. I broke down, and gave it all up. Broke all my pipes, told my family everything, and handed all of my money and my paychecks over to my mother. It's only been 5 days, but with no further access to any of it I might still have a chance. I promised myself a long time ago that I would never become this thing that this drug has turned me into, I used to be so good at explaining things verbally and now I can hardly form complete sentences outloud. My thought patterns are scattered and my body twitches occasionally out of my control. The damage has been done, maybe more so than I could ever imagine and currently my biggest fear is the part of me that wants a family some day, and I haven't had the guts to look to see if this drug could have ruined it all for me. The effects may not be reversible but I'm going to try like hell to fix what I can and to get my life back. There's still hope for everyone, but you have to want it and you have to take your life back for yourself. Because I've had countless people tell me how much they love me and how much they need me, but I couldn't have done this with them alone. I need me, I needed to want this for me. I'm not there yet, but I'm not going back down that dark well again.