Speak Up

Albert Enistien once said " Doing the same thing over and over agian expecting diffrent results..Is insanity..." My story starts with a need to feel wanted a need to "fit in" I found out about meth in rehab beleive it or not-My first experience with instutions started when i was 15 for pot. I was introduced to another side of life. For 6 years i learned from the best liars, cheats ,bullshit artist the world had to offer. I learned very quickly how to manipulate the system. This landed me in Greeley,CO where i met a girl. I am 22 by this time and quick on my words and a smooth talker to get what i wanted. I had not done many other drugs outside of pot and LSD till this venture. Meth found me in Greeley,CO. I was always the guy who would tell myslef.."As long as i dont use needles im ok.." I lied to myslef. I found the needle and fell in love. For many years to come i played with the devil and lied,cheated and stole my way to a basment in Greeley..on my knees..tearing the carpet apart looking for that one little shard i may have dropped...I was 100 pounds..no job..burnt bridges on all sides of my family and strung out beyond hope..Then life threw a child into the mix..born to meth..born to parents addicted to the devil himslef. We were told the child would be still born an serverly handicapped..This was not the case..This little girl was born with meth in her system and perfectly normal outside of the drug. I did not deserve this precious gift. For 4 months i tried to be a better person for this baby,,but i could not and would not change for anyone or anything. Then one day an old part of my life came crashing into my world with this child. I made the hardest decsion i have ever made. I turned myslef into the right people and told them i cannot care for this child nor myslef please take her and give her a chance... The old system refuses to put faith in anything other than a "higherpower"...I am here today to tell you the old system is broken and full of misgudied perspectives..I did not get sober going to AA or NA meetings or the 15 rehabs i went to. I CHOSE to get sober and nothing more..I choose not chase soberity or the drug anymore..In my mind its the same thing over and over.."insanity"...I do not knock what the old sysytem has done for millions..but it did not work for me..It gave me a door to another world i would have never known otherwise. I chose to follow my own path once introduced..so it is noones fault but my own. I ask people that read this to stop LOOKING UP for awnsers..Look straight ahead at yourself..YOU are the awsner to your problem. Stop chasing sobertiy like you chased the drug and look inside yourslef. Even in its absence it it abdunant...ever scracthing the enternal itch that will never go away. I choose not to go back everday, every min, everytime i want to say fuck it. I make that choice. Meth took away everything i once was..I chose to take it back. How can you ever find yourself if you dont know your lost...If your reading this and feel there is no hope for you i assure there is..You can continue to do the same thing over and over expecting difrent results..or YOU can choose to change it..Where am i now..a place of peace for a moment atleast..The child is with her sober mother and doing well. I am sober...today..Thats all that matters. Find yourself..