Speak Up

My name is Toni. Honestly, I'm probably not going to tell you anything you don't already know. But then again, isn't that the issue with us addicts? We know all we need to, and honestly, 9 times out of 10, we're smarter than people who have never used. So why is it that we constantly fall to such a dumb thing? (A summary of my story) I tried Meth at age 11, it was the first drug I ever tried. After using, It was so beautiful, and I felt as if nothing wrong could come from it. I had always strongly opposed drugs because I saw first hand what it had done to family members and friends, yet for some reason, I could justify meth from day one. I started using once or twice a week. Then about 7 months later I quit, because trouble was stirring at home, and I feared the consequences. Quitting wasn't hard at all. So when age 13 rolled around, I went back to the house where i'd first been exposed to it. Of course, I relapsed. I started using the same amount(once or twice a week), I even started selling for the guy. then about a year and a half later, i decided to quit again, due to my dealer being locked away and because of a relationship I was in. It was my only window out, or so I though. Leaving that was hard, I felt some withdraws, but didn't really admit that's what they were. Still, it wasn't that hard. That time around my sobriety only lasted about 2 months. After than, I was a daily user. I lied to everyone. I ruined any relationship. I risked everything for it. My dealer was out and I owed him money, my life was threatened. I lived day by day, avoiding him, but still buying from anyone I could. I was looking sickly, and feeling like death. But at the time I couldn't admit it. I thought i was the most beautiful human being there was. and man was I "happy". Over the course of just a few months, I began to shoot up. I was so ate up, i'd hit my head, pass out, and wake right up to another bowl. It was all downhill from there. I was forced to see what I had become, fortunately I had a friend who provided me with a mirror, to truly see what I'd become. I attempted to sober up. Over 3 months, i relapsed an estimate of 20 time. Fortunately, as odd as that sounds, my use and past of dealing had got to the school bored. I was searched and forced to meet with the officers and my parents. The result of that is I am in a form of rehab. My family and I are starting from scratch due to all of my lies and deceitful actions. As ashamed as I am, i really think this will help me in the future. I am currently 68 days sober. Which may not seem like a lot, but if in my shoes, I know you'll understand that it is. I lost everything, and am working daily to regain it. I may not entirely deserve it. but honesty and admittance is my first step. And I've taken it. I intend on spending every day for the rest of my life making steps, one at a time, and following them, winning this uphill battle, and refusing to fall down.

My family will never be the same, but ultimately we are stronger. My mom and I have never been closer. I've met a man who is in love with me, flaws and all, and is holding my hand every step of the way. If you are facing a meth addiction, or any addiction for that matter. You are not alone. And don't ever, ever, think you aren't strong enough to overcome this hell of a battle. God only gives hardships to the people he knows are strong enough to handle them. Best of luck, and prays for all of you. Sincerely, Walking, living proof of a recovering addict. One out of the million who exist.