Speak Up

Hi, I'm Dani. I've been a drug abuser since I was 13, but didn't know I was an addict until I was introduced to the substance that would eventually lead me to my downward spiral..METH. It all started when my 3 year relationship ended 3 days before my 21st birthday. I was broken and needed instant fixing. Self mutilation and partying didn't do it for me anymore, so I searched for something different and well I didn't have to look hard to find it. My loving, drug addict cousin introduced me to crystal meth. I instantly fell in love..wanting more and more. All it took was one smoking session to have me hooked. This secret behavior lasted for months, but I couldn't keep this wonderful drug to myself. I had to share my twisted lovely misery with someone so I smoked out my best friend.she was thrilled about my new 'diet'. my daily 'coffee' was a must. We enjoyed the ups of meth for a couple of months, but I began to go crazy.seeing shadows, hearing voices. scared to fall asleep at night because I seriously thought my heart would stop if I relaxed for only a moment. After 10 months of on&off using I told my mother, I then admitted myself into an institution because I thought I was going insane. I was finally in recovery and treatment. It was better than I had expected it to be. I made it to my 22nd birthday alive and drug free. I had new friends, my family seemed to love me again, but there was this empty hole. I attained a job through recovery which caused me a great deal of stress. Stress for addicts is never a good thing, especially newly found addicts in recovery. It was toxic, and I let my guard down. I relapsed. It was different this time though. This time I needed meth to live, to wake up, to do anything. It became a need, something that I had to have everyday..It went from being a weekend thing to an every morning, day, and night thing. I smoked when I was bored. I smoked to wake up. I didn't see anything wrong with it because before I knew it, I was back in love. The chronic using lasted for over 3 months.taking maybe 1 to 2 days to breathe, or because I needed to come down so I could go back up again. During those 3 months though, something changed. The person who I'd lost before. The boy who broke my heart, came back. He wanted to start over again as friends, to see what we could have as in being together.I was so twacked out that this must have been a dream or not real. A moment in which I'd made it up in my head, but no.it was real. My love, true love wanted to mend what was broken and I didn't have the guts to tell him how far from him I was. I was a completely different person. I didn't look like the old me, the girl whose heart he had broken was no longer alive. She was dead..or at least that's what I had brainwashed myself into thinking. He knew something wasn't right with me. He saw the marks on my arms and the sores on my body. I wanted him back in my life..badly so I eventually told him everything that I had gone through..what I had become. A lost, broken, crazy drug addict. I saw the pain in his eyes. I felt the disappointment. He told me I had a choice..Love him, be with him or keep doing what I'm doing.which was smoking meth til my head spun. Which one was more important? To any normal person, the choice would have been easy. My heart was screaming at me for weeks, telling me to just stop and choose him., but I continued to smoke..I lied, told him I'd stopped. He believed me.. This had made me feel like complete and utter shit. I looked like shit so for all I knew I was shit. I cried everytime I smoked while in the bathroom. I'd look at myself in the mirror with disgust. How could I?! Why couldn't I just stop?!! I had stopped before? Why not again?!?!..Well I'm pleased to tell you..this sad and pathetic story has a semi good ending. I decided in Jan of this year to stop. I'm in an intensive outpatient program. I've been clean for 16 days. My story isn't over, Idk what's next in my life, but I chose love.