Speak Up

I got out of the Army as a SSG in 2008. I was medically discharged after having a spinal fusion. I tried to get a job to support my family but no one would hire me without a letter of release from my doctors. My slef pity, depression and self hatred was the begining of my downfall. I had done everything from weed to meth. After a year and a half of neglecting my 3 children while locking myself and my ex up in our room smoking dope from the time we got up till the time we crashed I finally decided I had enough thanks to the help of a biker buddy of mine showing me what I was going to lose if I kept going down the path that I was on. I had become a monster. I was having blackouts follwed by fits of meth rage that I can not remember what I had done but my children do. I had barracaded myself in my room with a loaded gun several times with all intentions of killing myself. I got myself into rehab through the VA. 90 days of inpatient treatment thanks to a very loving nurse at the Temple TX VA hospital who helped me get in. After about a week in rehab, I knew my children were still not safe so I called CPS to have them removed. It took about a month before they were removed and placed with a very loving foster family while I got my life straight. 1 1/2 years later after a long cps case, meeting great people and making new friends in NA and almost loosing my kids forever...I got custody of them and feel in love again with an amazing woman who is also a recovering addict. We moved to Ohio in December of 2010 with our 5 children and started a new life. The worst thing I have had to face since my recovery was my dad. While in the midst of my addiction, I came to ohio for my grandmother's funeral. While up here, from the night of her funeral service on I was high. I disrespected my parents by bringing drugs into their home and smoking it in the back yard. They had no idea about any of that. After rehab I went to see my brother and his family in Louisianna where I told my dad what I had done and told him I was sorry as I handed him a bag of drug tests. I had told him I was sorry over the phone before but had to do it face to face. He told me I was not welcome in his home unless I could piss clean. The cravings never go away. There are times when I will hit a ciggarette and can taste the meth all over again. But I will always have the support of family friends and my sponsor to help me stay clean. I recently had 4 discs in my neck fused and was put on oxycodone. As scary as it was, I knew I could not deal with the pain on my own. My wife took my pills and helps me only take what I have to in order to keep the pain under controll. It is just another test from my higher power of my conviction to stay clean. I just finished my first semester back in college. My grades were not as good as I wanted them with 1 c but I did rather well with having 5 kids at home, having a cervical fusion in the middle of the semester and dealing with an ugly divorce. I have learned to live life on lifes terms and make the best of what I have and to accept my limitations. I have been clean since July 28th 2010 and still counting.