Speak Up

My journey with meth started in September or August of 2009, can't remember exactly which. I was at "the races" with my family and was hanging out with my friends that my parents don't particularly like because they had bad reputations. My mom is a registered nurse at the hospital in our town of about 3000 so she knows everyones business she likes to think (; Anyway, my friend was very promiscuous where I had no "balls" when it came to talking to guys. We saw these two guys in this little jeep looking thing that were wayyy good looking! We were both 14 so of course we had to lie about our age. We told them that we were 16 and they asked if we partied, I was smoking weed, drinking, and occasionally snorting pain killers. So we were both like "YES". We ended up going over to this guys house that we didn't know and party with them. Their "party" ended up being us snorting "something that will make you want to stay up all night and party hard!" It gave us both feelings that we had never felt before. Before long both guys were walking around the house looking through every window telling us that they thought the cops were outside and what not. The guy that I was attracted to most then told us that we had snorted meth. This happened for two nights with both my friend and I sneaking out and not going home until 7 the next morning and going to school the next day. We went back the next night and smoked it. I loved the smell, the taste, the energy everything. I knew I was hooked. I soon ended up on probation for drinking and was still smoking weed and doing pain pills, so I was sent to a residential treatment facility. I spent my 15th birthday grounded because I got my M.I.P. the night before it, my 16th and 17th birthday in treatment. I spent my 18th birthday hanging out with friends and only had 2 or 3 drinks. I got out of residential treatment this last time in March and was out for 2 days before I smoked meth again. I was doing fine after that night, but then I met the guy that I started using the meth with and it went down hill from there. It started out as a healthy relationship, then turned toxic. He started beating me up, slapping me around, pushing, shoving, etc. I stuck with him because he's the only thing that made me feel alive. I discovered he had relapsed, and tried leaving him. He helped me relapse once, before my 18th birthday. Nothing significant, just a little line. Exactly 51 days ago I ended my 6 day binge. The worst binge of my life. I pawned my diamond carrot ring that my grandparents gave me for graduation, stole my parents credit card, put close to 3000 miles on my car, missed my CNA state board exam, didn't talk to anyone I cared about... I pretty much disappeared off the face of this earth. I then came home and returned to my normal life, but not has a day went by that I haven't thought about the Monster that made me feel so alive. Not a day goes by that I don't want to kill myself because I hate myself so much. I never believed people when they told me that you can't ever use meth and not get hooked. Not even once. -Brittany