Speak Up

I had just turned 19 years old and was homeless in San Francisco. One night I was riding the bus back into the city knowing that I had no destination, I had nowhere to sleep that night. The bus was just crossing the Golden Gate Bridge and I decided to get off at that stop. I walked up the sidewalk leading to the bridge. It was closed, there was a gate blocking the entry way but right as I walked up to the gate a cyclist came off the bridge and the gate opened. I walked on. As soon as I did an alarm starting sounding and a man on the intercom came on, ordering to come off the bridge. I dint want to die but I was so lost, so young, and so tired. I didn’t want to spend another day homeless. Officers came and took me to the San Francisco Psychiatric hospital where I spent Friday, Saturday, and Easter Sunday. When I was released on Monday and my belongings were returned to me, I found that my money, debit card, and social security card had been stolen from my wallet, I never found out by whom. It was a bad day. I went to a friend’s house and I knew that her older brother was using “something”, I could just tell. I wasn’t stupid. Marijuana, alcohol, and pills, just weren’t numbing me out enough anymore. I asked him what he was using and he told me “crystal”. I asked him if it was really as bad as everyone made it seem. He told me “no”. Boy was he wrong. He called up his friend to come smoke with us. His friend is now my husband, I know, sounds horrible but just hang on. This story DOES have a happy ending. They smoked with me. I didn’t get high, I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t get high or become addicted until my second time. We spent all night smoking in a motel room. The next morning I went into the bathroom to put make up on and couldn’t believe my eyes. I started crying and yelling. “my friends” became concerned and told me to get out of the bathroom but I just kept yelling “who is that? That isn’t me that isn’t me!” I dint sleep for 3 days after the one night. That’s all it took, I was hooked. I was homeless and bounced around sleeping on peoples couches, in and out of rehab. I lost 75 pounds within just a few months. I was losing it. One night after being up for about a week and was crashing I decided to smoke some weed (horrible combination). I was at a friend’s house and she was having a party. It must have been 3 am and we were all outside drinking and smoking weed. I started to get really out of control and was making a lot of noise. The neighbors threatened to call the cops so my friend took me inside and got me to sleep in her brothers room. Later that night I felt someone on top of me but I was so out of It I never fully woke up or opened my eyes, all I did was toss about and fall back to sleep. The next day I woke up. As I pulled the covers off of me, I found myself naked. I was terrified. What had happened to me!? I stood up and semen ran down my legs. I cried. I couldn’t believe it. I never found out who it was or how many. About a month later, I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t want the baby. I went on a binge. I ended up miscarrying. Somehow I ended up at my (current but not at the time) husbands house. He knew I had no place to stay and offered to let me stay with him, I never left. We were a toxic combination. We would lock ourselves in our room and smoke nonstop for weeks at a time and then crash and sleep for days on end without waking to even go to the bathroom. Our relationship spun out of control and he became extremely abusive and controlling. He constantly beat me, he broke my ribs, he made me bleed, he would slam my head into the ground, and he would drag me across the apartment by my hair. I don’t know why I never left him. I loved him so much. I was so lost, I was so broken.