Speak Up

trying to forget, burying what hurts in a fog of glass and tinfoil smoke...blur the edges of reality with substance...more more more and you feel less less less...don't think, just keep listening to that song over and over again and tell yourself that it hasn't happened the way you remember...move faster, don't stop or it will all catch up to you, the heart knows what the mind won't accept...go for the burn, move on to the headrush, it gets you every time...just a little more to bring on the numb...that's not your heartache, it's too strong...pass the straw to forget a smile, eat these pills to forget a laugh, pour out more white to forget long black hair...don't sleep, the delirium will help...rockbottom is around here somewhere...you are alive, for who isn't? who isn't?

I started doing meth with my best friend. He died 4 months later. I kept doing it. I watched people freak out, steal, beat their loved ones, I watched someone die in front of me, I helped cook it, I saw chemical explosions, scabs, bones, broken glass, broken lives, broken humans, wasted life, I hid in closets to smoke it, I left my baby in the car while I went inside to smoke some dope, I lied and cheated, I lost 55 pounds. I couldn't stand up without blacking out or throwing up foam. I ate a couple of bites of yogurt every few days to live. I smoked dope in the bathroom at my work and carried tinfoil and light bulbs with me so I could do it all the time. I pushed away my family and they did not know why. I was alone except for the desire for something that I hated. I hated myself. I hated everyone. Some didn't know I needed help, and the ones who did, didn't care. I never had to prostitute myself for drugs. I had enough "friends" that made and sold it, so it was always there. I now know that real friends would never share these things with you. I will never know how many I influenced and turned to doing dope. That is something that haunts me even after I've been clean for 7 years. I'm ok with who I am now, and I'm proud of who I am. I beat addiction to meth, coke, acid, ecstasy, and everything else I could get my hands on, ALL ALONE. If I can do it, I know others can too. And if you can't, then get help. You've been given a life for a reason, and that reason is not to waste it scabbed over, hiding in the dark and craving powdered death. I'm grateful for everything that I've been through. It makes me appreciate all the blessings I have now. I've learned many lessons, but I would not wish it on anyone. If my story can help anybody, please pass it on.