Speak Up

I am in a long distance relationship with a man who has just relapsed after 3+ years sobriety. His behavior has been erratic and unusual for the last month and I knew something was up. He admitted to me today that he's been using again. I've given him money and supported him when I probably shouldn't have. I have believed in him when there were doubts in my mind about his behavior. He always has an excuse for everything and he has done nothing but take from me. Today he begged me to come here and go to rehab. But I am afraid of him. I am afraid and I cannot carry his addiction. I do not want an active meth user in my home or my life. Even if it is the man I love with all my heart. I know too well the dangers involved. Yet I love him and want to help. I just know I have to protect myself. I have nightmares about him killing me. And although he has never been violent with me I know meth changes all of that. These nightmares feel like premonitions. I want so badly for him to get the help he needs but he refuses and tells me he hates me and that it's my fault he is where he is. I am the only person in his life who is positive and helpful and supportive and clean! I know his hurtful words are the drug talking. I know he doesn't hate me. I know what he hates is himself. I just don't know what to do. I want to help him but I'm terrified of him now. I swear if I had a time machine and could go back to the first time he ever touched this horrible drug I would erase it. It tears apart the lives of everyone around the user along with them. I'm losing the greatest love of my life to it. It's stealing him and killing me in the process.