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less than a MONTH

My first meth binge has left me a paranoid mess, laying in my car outside of emergency room, waiting for sleep to hit me or a heart attack. 3 weeks ago I began hanging with "lisa" after learning she had a connect. No one in my daily circle does it, so I used "get it while you can" to persuade my mind into buying a $40 gram. Seems like a lot but I wanted to "stock" some for weekend use or "special occasions." Didn't happen, after first two lines I completely let go of myself and got lost in the high. 3 days later after no food, water, or sleep; I stepped out of friends shower into the truth of meth and what it can do to the body, I was completely dehydrated and felt like emotionless zombie. The mirror showed my pursuit of happiness was more important than my health. After smoking weed I finally collapsed in bed.

Next two days I promised myself "never again, if you let me live," my comedown turned to a flu and stayed ill for about a week. Still attending college night classes paranoid of my appearance. One Friday after class after flu symptoms went down, I convinced myself for round 2. This time though I'd "know my limits" and remember water and food. This time lasted 4 days of no sleep, not really much food, and still not enough water. In the last 4 days I cut out previously close people over emphasized emotions, and judged anyone to cover my high. Missed so much work, I didn't bother quitting or grabbing last 2 paychecks. Spent hours doing things of no value, like taking two hours to write a text message that ended up getting deleted. My room and car was a mess, which I'm known to keep neat. Everything I did felt so good but made no sense. Nothing worse then my reflection though, I was already to skinny for this lifestyle but now it's a problem.

This afternoon after eating everything healthy in kitchen I "needed" a boost from comedown to clean things before my mother comes to visit, one more boost after shower, last boost scraped off a card after I cleaned out car. Mind you these were much smaller "bumps" then "lines," but that doesn't matter to your body. After I ate dinner I urinated unusually slow, then my lower back started to hurt. I googled things I'll never google again, found tons of warning signs that my kidneys are failing. Stomach wasn't digesting anything which pointed to organ or heart failure, then I experienced shortness of breathe for the first time, and my brain was throbbing. (I'm 21, too young for this.) Finally after reading everything I couldn't get my mind off possible heart attack, especially while sleeping. To rule out anxiety and ease myself I decided I should drive to hospital just in case I get chest pains or yellowed eyes from damaged liver. So I got dressed grabbed the rest of my stashed gram and drove off, throwing gram out window on freeway where no people would be present to find and pick up. Thank god I don't know main connect, just connection, who I managed to break ties with two days earlier after catching her steal then lie from me. So my next craving can't be solved so easily, and trying to find it else where in my area is not happening. Now my crave is seeing my mother one more time, she's why I'm here, and being here is how I found this site. I don't belong here, but the stories helped my anxiety, maybe mine can help another.

It's been 4 hours sense I left home.. no heart attack, but no sleep either. It helps knowing there's an ER in crawling distance, but I can't afford their help until I know I'm not just anxious/paranoid, I'm scared of what they'll find, when I'll be released, if my mom will have to visit me in a hospital instead of the usual beach house. The worst part would be explaining the reason I'm there, knowing I paid someone only $40 to snort myself this way, while others have to wait for addicts to get help from something not caused by themselves.

Don't be like me on this sad tweaker site. You're served what you serve when you're playing with life.

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