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Trusting others

I first took meth back in Chicago in 2009 and it lead to a spiral of events that would have me question GOD, my own place in life and wanting to create a power inside of myself that could have cost me my mind. I was born a heroin baby and never touched drugs because I was so afraid of them but I was also afraid to live and feel anything because of my family abandonment issues and meth/tina could not wait to take a hold on me and it did because it denied me the one thing that it knew I wanted and that was sex while high. I allowed myself to be tricked to believing that I needed it to live that it was the source of the power that I had manifested in me and I did I grew strong so strong that I believed that I was bigger than my higher power and I had to realize some hard cold facts, one that I cannot control if I live or die, i can continue to be the good person that I always was even in the throws of my sex/meth addiction because when you have chosen to walk into darkness you can chose to come back into the light but you have to do so in away in which people are going to help you help yourself and not all of us are trust fund babies.

I got clean for 2.5 years on my own but when I moved to Phoenix, AZ it pulled me back in and I was considered a recreational user. In Fall 2014 I was hooking up with men who believe in utter darkness and they took me with them rather I wanted to go or not because I wanted the sex and to get that I had to do the drug and it finally reached a point I was choosing to be done again. I told my godfather (about my past use and most recent use and he could not understand but he was already helping clean out my past in certain areas of my life and he cleaned out the junk so fast (think of how Marilyn Monroe was sent into a spiral and Britney Spears) when he found out about this he turned his back on me for awhile and everything got mental because if I was going to be alone well I was going to go out where I would get revenge on those who hurt me and I was only about to hurt myself and I had to learn that one I am not powerful then God, two that people will lead you down a path of psychosis and I let them in exchange for sex.

All i can say is that NA and this website's information helped me understand that I can have the life that i deserve because if i fought back and gave in all at the same time and so can you by allowing yourself to set yourself free from your addiction to sex on drugs because it will lead down a path that you will be giving up your mind and you will end up losing your life and I am so grateful to be alive and getting better at this time and it has been nearly 30 days. I go and see a therapist in 12 days and my doctor and I know they will help me as long I am honest with them and because I have been honest with myself and I have chosen to never go back but I must retrain my brain and my thought process on how I view myself and the world and by doing that I do not take on battles that are meant for my higher power. I set up boundaries and rules in which to follow as I did before because I almost lost it all and I do not want that to happen to any of you based on other peoples mind games and manipulations to screw you over because you have made a personal choice to do drugs; get off them get help and do not believe that psychosis is the end result for you because it is not. I can share this story with this sight because it was set up for me to do so. I reached out to several people with degrees in science, therapy and social work (in Chicago and Phoenix) and all of them decided to have me accept things that where untrue and in the middle of meth come down they knew that was unfair but it was also unfair what I did to myself in the throws of thinking that people on meth could be trusted because I was to be trusted. That is not the case. I do hope that this saves someone else as well.

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