Speak Up

Where do I begin...I guess you could say when I took my first hit of meth out of the lightbulb back when I was 17 is where my nightmare took place. little did I know that 5 yrs down the road id have lost everything and everyone that was ever important to me. The night I smoked it for the first time we were supposed to be getting some x, not to say that was any better..but we couldn't find it. so one of my friends I was with said that she can get some shrooms. we all never did it so we agreed it'd be cool to try..she ends up coming back out with a bag of methamphetamine and my first thought was to get dropped off at home, that there's no way in hell I was sticking around for that but I didn't..me wanting to keep that "I don't care image" decided to go back to her house for the night..the moment I smoked it I felt a high like nothing else I felt I was invisible like nothing can bring me down..amazing..the euphoric rush for me was insane, I wanted more..the next day I felt depressed but that's all for that time period..I was a major stoner at the time and I lived in Kansas. Throughout high school I just used weed and occasional roll and took opiates. Life always haunted me at least that's what I like to think sometimes when really I could never stay true to me I was always trying to be someone else. After graduation I went on a road trip to California and met up with family out in Petaluma only to find out that my cousin used at the time too..I decided to actually buy some from him..bad idea because it was at that moment I felt that I had the power to feel so "great" it just depended on my financial standing. When I arrived in Kansas I quickly got a job at coca cola and stayed away from the stuff for only so long..worked there for about five months then decided to make a move to Dallas Texas..within one month of living there I met someone in a club that asked me if I like to "party" I said yeah not knowing he was going to pull out a bowl. it was from then on that I kept contact with the guy and used from every other weekend to every weekend. I didn't realize that my mind was corrupt. I noticed the deep feeling of depression even on the way to go get the bag. sometimes Id be suicidal but I knew that once I got that first hit I'd be on top of the world again..using weekly quickly turned into everyday use. soon the feelings of depression faded and it was my world so to speak..I'd get whiny, irritable, annoyed with the world if I didn't have my drug..when it got out of hand. I was working fast food but I maintained and actually got promoted but I let it get to my head. instead of finding myself in happy moods most of the time I found myself becoming more and more angry so down to the point nobody wanted to be around me and my performance was sliding I was actually threatened to be terminated more than once. as my memories began to fade it was all about me and finding that next high no matter what it took. I just stopped showing up for work, I was 80 dollars short on rent, my brother was so fed up with my drug use and excuses he kicked me out. I don't blame him because I was always out of control. I didn't see it then but now I can't even fathom the hell I put my family and friends through. Shortly after losing a roof over my head and the means to support it, I resorted to selling to support my habit. working for big time drug dealers just for a little pocket change and that next hit..I was lost. its like I saw everything happening but failed to realize it...when my car broke down I couldn't sell anymore so I was basically using every penny I had to stay at the quality inn and to buy some more stuff..when there was absolutely no other means of getting the drug I admitted myself to rehab. I feel so guilty and ashamed that I had a good life and future going for me but I let it fall right before my eyes and for what, the devil?? That drug is evil. Just look to god for guidance drugs aren't worth it.