Speak Up

I relapsed on booze, my first love after 15 years of being sober. Guess what folks... you're never cured but you can manage your disease. They say the obsession of every alcoholic is to drink like a normal drinker. Guess what else folks...methamphetamine let's you do just that! So for the first years it was like having two lovers. When one would become too much I turned to the other to balance things. I never went without and did what I had to to do to stay in money and dope and booze. I'm what they call a "high functioning' addict and so for many years kept up all the appearances but in reality I was back sliding into hell a little further everyday. Addiction becomes your god. The day comes where you cannot function... can't stay awake, talk on the phone, visit it with family, go to the store, eat or sleep without it. I was utterly a slave to my addiction. Every day I said I would quit.."right after I get through this next set of bills, or the next PO visit, or this next holiday....it was ALWAYS something. And guess what else folks... that is what it means to be an addict. You can't quit. If you think you can or that it is a matter of "will power" you are sadly mistaken. If that were the case there would be no alcoholics or addicts because who would let their life turn into the shitty mess that is the wreckage of one's addiction? I turned 2 years of probation into 6 years and 2 six month county stints thanks to my addiction. I wracked up a 4 month prison sentence and have 2 felonies. In retrospect those jail sentences probably saved my life. I was a month away from finally getting off probation but my life was totally out of control. Physical fights on the domestic front left me battered, copped a new charge, late on rent, fighting, hatred, suspicions of everyone and everything. God blessed me with a single drop of dirty pee and a PO who didnt just shuffle papers but actually cared about her job. She called me into the office and confronted me and told me prison or rehab. I broke down and cried in her office and have tears now as I write this. It was an act of God working through her... like I couldnt put the pipe down and the hand of God or somebody had to come down and smack that shit out of my hand. So I went to rehab and have been sober ever since. This is my second time around and I am so grateful. When I came home from rehab my boyfriend was still using. It took a restraining order to let him know this was serious and he jumped on the bandwagon. He's about 3 weeks behind me sobriety wise. It isn't all puppies and candy. There are days I get mad, have resentments, feel like I can't cope, cry, tantrum, get scared and all the other feelings we encounter in the walk of life. But today I don't have to use over any of that shit. And guess what folks.... none of it is as scary as it seems and way easier to handle when sober. I'm no holy roller. I'm a 52 year old ex New York broad. I had a good upbringing and 3 grown children of my own. If you saw me on the street you would never in a million years guess I was a serious meth addict for 7 years. Addiction doesn't care about who you are or what you look like or from where you came. It just wants your soul and eventually your life. There is help out there for you! Please surrender and realize this stuff is more powerful than you or all your friends. All the demoralization? You have to be willing to go to those same lengths to get sober. Ask for help and break down the wall and cry. People will help you and you will be in awe. And most importantly and something I have to pound into my own head... if you fall down GET UP! Don't stay out there using if you relapse... that's just the addiction talking! Peace and love to all and thanks for reading! If I can do it then you can too!