Speak Up

I started using meth at the age of 13, by the time I was 15, I was a wreck. I didn't have any type of parental supervision, in fact my mom let me spend my summer at 14 with the dope man as long as he was keeping her supplied. I met my first love at 15 and he gave me the option of leaving the dope alone or he would not have anything to do with me. Coming from a very dysfunctional childhood, the prospect of real love was enough for me to quit cold turkey. My life was going great, I was clean, I had a great man who loved me, I was pregnant (16yrs old), and we were talking about building our lives. As is my experience, life struck again and my love was killed in an auto/train wreck, leaving me at 16 alone and pregnant. Well I had my son and he became my whole life. There wasn't anything better than the love of my child. Fastforward 2 yrs and I met my first husband, I'd known him since childhood and knew him to be a great guy. We dabbled a lil here & there with meth but nothing serious. We got engaged, moved away from everyone, and were expecting our first child. When I gave birth to my first daughter, I thought life couldn't get any better. Well we started messing around with meth and he started selling it. This was 2003, little did i know, he had been sneaking around doing it b4 but didn't let me know cause he knew how bad I used to be on it. By this time everybody was doing crystal meth/ice, I had only ever done crank. It only took less than a year b4 everything went to hell. The police were kicking in our door, we had dfcas come into our lives, and we were losing our minds(to the drugs as well as everything else). We thought we were invincible, the law nor dfacs could touch us (thanks for the lies meth), boy were we stupid. The dfacs took our kids and we were steady doing dope. Somehow we thought we could get over on them. After a 3 yr long battle we lost our rights to our kids, our mariage, and all our material crap. We went our separate ways, still meeting up sometimes and getting high, still doing whatever cause we had no reason to get straight. We'd lost the 3 things that meant the most to us. After a while we both ended up doing prison sentences, which is when I finally woke up and said enough is enough. I asked myself " Do I want my kids to come looking for me and find a 40yr old meth addict or find me clean & sober"? I am now 33yrs old, 6yrs clean, and woman enough to say I chose a man & dope over my children. I haven't seen my kids in 7yrs and had them in my care for 10. The guilt I live with everyday is unbearable, and I sometimes wonder how i'm gonna make it another day. I have since remarried a great man and even though we struggle with everyday life stuff (financial,family,etc), I wouldn't go back to that hell for anything.Sure the money was nice and I didn't have a care in the world but I lost things I'll never get back. So if your struggling with this evil, take a min to think and ask yourself, "Do you ever hear a successful meth addicts story?" No, they all end in torment and pain. Trust me you are special but you are not that one in a billion who is gonna be a successful meth head!!!