Speak Up

I've been an addict for 20 years. I remember the exact day I tried it. I was a daily user from the first time I tried it. My husband died when he was 30 from tweeking on a molar that a filling had fallen out of. It cause an infection with the bacteria streptechochus which festered in his throat resulting in flesh eating disease. Our children were 7 & 9. I abandoned my kids and rarely saw them for 9 years leaving them to be raised by aunts and uncles, sister or mom. Since their father passed away, they both received a Survivor's Benefit check in the amount of 600/month. My family was not being sincere they just wanted the money. I'm the only one to blame. When I think about it now, I make myself sick and feel overwhelmed with guilt. My son is a loving, gentle, respectable/respectful soul. I know I do not deserve such a great child. My daughter, still suffering from the effects of losing her father, wishes I would have died instead of her dad. I know this because she makes it very clear to me. She has major issues and refuses any help of logic whatsoever. I'm useless to her and she always makes comments to me like quit smoking already or whats the matter...none of that today! Anyway, when I first lost my husband and my family found out I was a tweeker I started writing poems. It was a way to pass the time and put my feelings on paper. This one I wrote in 2003

What do you see
When you look in my eyes
Could it possibly be
It's my own life I despize
Filled with empty lies
Failed tried

And tear filled eyes
Staying awake with the moon
As well as the sunrise
Where the will to achieve
Eventually dies
Realizing Miss Most Likely to Succeed
Didn't turn out so wise
Sad and Addicted
Lost and convicted
Never restricted From being alone
A call on the phone
And the streets to roam
For days
Maybe weeks
Chasing the pipe
Living amongst freaks
And the occassional hype
Losers and addicts of every type
Where I find myself crying
A river of tears
And theres just no denying
I'm living my worst fears
Lesbians
Swingers
Faggots
And queers
Gay
Straight
Or upside down
Blinded by smoke in the mirrors
It sadly appears
Stuck in a room
Destined for doom
Soaked up in sweat
We seem to forget
Goals never set
Success never met
It saddens my heart
And makes me upset
Families torn apart
Living lives they'll regret
Now I'm a smart intellect
Yet, I've lost some respect
Which is the cause and effect
Of my failure to succeed at what my family expects
But, what the hell
I was exposed to defects
By hypocritical rejects
Who've branded ME and addict
For being vain
And being me
For failing to abstain
And not living drug free
But ADDICTIONS ARE ADDICTIONS
Regardless of what they may be
We will all endure our convictions
They're no better than me!
So I'm left in a zone
In a league of my own
Let the RIGHTEOUS
CAST THE FIRST STONE
Until that fateful day..............................
LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!