Speak Up

Meth: For anyone out there who may or may not be involved with this devil of a drug, let me let you in on what's real. In my on and off love affair with methamphetamine, my thyroid shut down, I found that out the day I went in for emergency removal of my diseased gallbladder. Both of which were a direct result of my using. 3 months after I had quit the first time. I started having gallbladder attacks one month after I started using regularly. 6 months later I was in the hospital. Even if my family and the few good friends I have left who didn't turn their back on me can recover themselves from the hurt I caused, "I" have to live with what I did to my body forever. Cause now i have to take a thyroid hormone every day ....for life. And because it as shut down, I will carry a much higher risk of developing thyroid cancer. Because I lost an organ that regulated the flow of stomach bile, which comfortably broke down the food I eat, I will always have stomach issues, for life. The second time I ended up in the hospital, because of meth, I found out I had crossed the borderline of having high sugar to being Type 1 diabetic, and because my meth use damaged my pancreas, which had happened when a gallbladder infection spread to my pancreas and liver when that stone got lodged, I will more than likely, despite my best efforts to control my sugar intake, cross over into the Type 2 category and end up on insulin later on in my life. Don't get me wrong, after the surgery, and the careful monitoring on the thyroid med, as well as doing my best to control my diet, I'm in the best health I've known in years. And I'm thankful. Very very thankful. Unfortunately meth use causes other lasting damage to the mind, which is FAR FAR harder to recover from. Like being around people, I use to be able to see all my friends and have fun just cause I was with a bunch of people. These days I have alot of anxiety just thinking about going out of the house. I never had weird behaviors like that. I can't stand open doors, I get very very nervous when they are. I feel paranoia at times that I KNOW is baseless. If I think about meth, or see something about it on tv, my heart races and if I think about it hard enough, I swear i can induce a false meth rush. Lab work are big triggers. Last time I had blood work done I bought a bag of needles, .....and shot water. No lie. Just to feel the needle. And I had been clean for over a month. When the need for the drug starts to give me severe anxiety, I've resorted to alcohol. For me, the heat of the liquor traveling down my throat and chest reminds me of the heat that rises when you slam meth.

NONE of these things compares to the fact that I pretty much willingly walked away from my husband and kids. This coming from a woman who had been a devoted wife and stay at home mom for YEARS before I ever picked up a meth habit. I'm not just thankful they still want me around but I cannot even conceive the words to describe the love and the fight they put up to not lose me.

I don't have a fraction of the things I use to have. I don't drive right now, and frankly "I" wouldn't trust me with a vehicle anyways. I don't even trust myself with a job. Because I just know myself. Right now, I'm just greatfull to be invited over to spend weekends with my family, spend a few nights a week sleeping in the same bed with my husband and getting asked out on a date by him and greatfull my husband takes me to NA twice a week, sits through the meetings with me and even participates. This is my life now. Yet, I am greatfull as the day I got married and the days my babies were born into this world.

If your in a situation like me, then you know this is the hardest thing you have ever had to do. But when you really want recovery, a new life, a new start and a new outlook on life, then you've exhausted every avenue to use and to stop and are willing to go to any length to get and stay clean.