Speak Up

Even before I was born, my family was using meth. My mother used meth while she was pregnant with me and my five other siblings as well. I was two months early due to her usage, and was in and out of the hospital for much of my childhood for undeveloped lungs. I grew up being bounced from city to city because of my mom's addiction and jail/prison time. My father was just a pot smoker, but continually degraded me. I'm am only fifteen years of age but most certain I have been through more and have more maturity than most twenty-sum year olds because of what I've been through. I promised myself I would never do meth, that I never ever wanted to end up like my mom, 40 with six kids having only raised one of them (me) for a total of three or four years on and off. Yet last year I started running around with the wrong people, who got me into the wrong stuff. Of course I can't blame it on them, I had the choice to say no, but in January of 2012 I took my first hit of meth. My friends introduced me to a man who sold dope and cocaine, there I tried coke for my first time as well. I had wanted to take that hit to see if I could answer my question, of which was "Why would my mom pick meth over her whole family.. Me, her own daughter that she's supposed to love and care for." Well let me tell you, after that first hit, it was answered. In the end, that man at the age of 37 raped me. Yet I continued to use, only to get rid of the pain. I went through life, and still sometimes do, thinking nobody cares. People do care though, and no matter how bad I want to blame this addiction on someone else, I can't. It was MY choice to smoke, MY choice to do that line but sometimes curiosity gets the best of us, and that curiosity turns into addiction. I have been through treatment three times, and on probation for almost a year. Just recently my mom left me home alone for over a week, not telling me where she was going, no food in the fridge and no money to get food. That week I made poor choices, to use and skip school and probation but I finally got sick of it. I called my father who lives four hours away and he came to get me. I then found out my mom had been arrested in Oklahoma and she is currently facing life in prison. It breaks my heart because I see the good in my mom. I see deep down how badly she wants to be clean. My dad on the other hand, ended up beating me while I moved with him, dragging me by my ankle down a hallway and sitting on me while I had an asthma attack. I ran away and soon got arrested, my father is facing no charges. It's infuriating. I have recently turned to my Higher Power, asking him/her/it for guidance. I know I can't kick this habit on my own, so I will go to the miracles of praying. I will lean on the shoulders of those who care, and I will quit this horrible, life ruining drug! For anyone and everyone out there with any addiction, my heart goes out to you and my prayers are for and with you. You have to want it, truly want it in order to stay clean. In the end, it was your choice to start, now it's your choice to quit.