Speak Up

It started off as a joke. My boyfriend asked if I wanted to try it and I thought to myself, why not? The first time felt amazing. It was a rush I had never experienced before and I wanted more. I was terrified of what was happening to me but I couldn't stop; I was obsessed.

Pregnancy couldn't even stop my obsession and I continued to smoke up until a month before my daughter was born prematurely. Thankfully she was healthy and we went home after the normal 2-day hospital stay. But as soon as I got home, I started smoking again, even if she was in the room. Just two months later, all hell broke loose. her father had been arrested and charged with sales and possession. I was charged too, my first offense. He went to prison, I got probation.

I managed to stay clean for exactly a year, but having made some new friends who used, my one-year clean date turned into my relapse date. I went full force this time, going from smoking to snorting to shooting. I was spending more money on meth than I had ever dreamed of spending on anything. I was going to places I shouldn't have been. I was around people I had no business being around. I was leaving needles laying around for my daughter to find.

I had never been the paranoid type but now I was seeing and hearing things that weren't there. My body was deteriorating to nothing and my diabetes was so badly out of control I nearly fell into a coma. But all of that changed when I ran out one night and couldn't take it anymore. I took a handful of sleeping pills and cut my wrists.

My boyfriend at the time took me to the hospital and I was sent to a psychiatric facility. I thought everything would be okay and I would be able to go home to my little girl, but there was meth in my system and the hospital called DFCS. As soon as I got home they were at my house to take her to a relative, saying I was unfit and she wasn't safe in my care.

That's when I knew I had to do something different. I made the decision to stay clean for my daughter. Its been almost a year now (April 8th) and I've been through a treatment program, I go to meetings regularly, and have an amazing sober network. It hasn't been easy, but its been worthwhile.

I currently weigh in at roughly 100 pounds (almost 30 pounds less than before I started using). My hair and teeth are very brittle and I stay sick most of the time. I'm only allowed to see my daughter three times a week and I still have heavy court involvement.

But I won't give up.