Speak Up

When I met my husband he told me he was a recovering addict... I was so sheltered, I'd never even heard of Meth before. We started dating and everything was fine - before long I was head over heals for him. Then, he grew distant and was hanging out with a friend who'd just gotten out of jail. He ended up breaking up with me. I wrote him a letter telling him I still loved him, but I couldn't make him happy. He told me I was right, nothing made him happy anymore. Even then, I was still so naive! He asked me to come back to him and we'd try again. I was so in love with him, but I kept getting these glimpses of someone I didn't know and couldn't trust... but love is blind and hindsight is 20/20. So, we were married and within weeks he was staying outside for hours, "doing yard work" or "working on the car". Next thing I know he's taking up "hunting" because he's always wanted to and the men in my family do it... but he's not going with them, and I don't know where he is. We were married for less than a year the first time he didn't come home at night... then I noticed he wasn't coming to bed with me, but yet he still got up before me, no problems. He was talking to new friends (some female) and I was getting more and more suspicious and always feeling alone. He finally admitted to what he was doing - snorting Meth and it had lead to infidelity - it was the biggest struggle of my life. I cut off his funds, took away his vehicle, and told him he'd have to choose to live this way until I could trust him, or live without me. He said he couldn't live without me and if I left, he might just kill himself. For at least 9 months we fought constantly, because now I was in his business... I no longer accpeted his excuses for where he'd been or who he was with, all without question. And, we almost never spent time apart. Still he was managing to make it and snort it or drink it with all my supervision and iron-will about it. I had just about decided to give up, when I thought to start testing him. If he was clean, I would stay... if he was not, I was out! He told me then that he'd quit lying about it. We cleaned out our guest/'storage' room and he had paraphenalia everywhere... how could I be so blind!?! So, we kept at it and he got clean for a while. He's stumbled a few times (that he's told me about), but for the most part, I can trust him again... he got a good job, where he's drug tested randomly and he's always said that helps him stay clean... to know this is the best job he's ever had and doesn't want to lose it. We had a baby girl a little over a year ago. He's a great dad... but I still see those glimpses of the person Meth has made him. He's much more easily angered than he was when we met. He doesn't seem happy about much of anything, ever. Our marriage has been difficult and having a young child doesn't make it easier... but being with a recovering Meth addict makes it a struggle on a daily basis. I love him and as long as I know he's clean and I don't feel my daughter is in danger, I'll stay and work with him and support him... but there is this part of me that knows, he could stumble again, and he might be lost forever if he does... we've seen it with so many of his old friends... he doesn't stay in contact with many of them, but they've lost job after job, friends, family, especially their children, and their freedom, time after time. I wish I'd never heard of Meth... and sometimes I wish I'd never met my husband... and I HATE that I feel that way! I just wish I could have had the simpler life that I was raised to lead... church, family & work... friends, if they're good ones, and keep your nose clean. But I fell in love, with a man that will always love a drug more than he has ever loved me.