Speak Up

I am a recovering meth addict. I am also the child of addicts, was the wife of an addict, and was the addicted parent of my own children.

I began drinking and smoking pot when I was 12 along with using white crosses and drinking alcohol. The first person I got high with was my parent’s drug friend, the second was my dad. By the time I was 14, I was drinking every day and abusing prescription drugs. I had black outs and woke up in ditches. I was involved with many different grown men who were more than willing to provide alcohol and drugs. I had already been in a violent serious relationship by this point also. Kids are not equipped to deal with these things and it had a very bad impact on my emotional state. I was depressed and suicidal.

I became pregnant at 16. David left town while I was pregnant and ended up in prison in another state for selling marijuana. When I became pregnant I quit using all drugs. I even stayed sober for a while after our daughter was born. All I ever wanted to be when I grew up was a mom. I missed out on so much I was determined to be the best mom I could be.

Even the best intentions rarely work out without the tools to follow it through. I began drinking again, then smoking pot. Eventually David returned home and we got married. Although our relationship was rocky it would get volatile once meth entered the picture.

I was 21 the first time I used meth and already had two children. I remember taking the first hit and thinking “I will chase this high the rest of my life”. I was in love with it. Even though I had already watched the effect it was having on David who had been addicted before I had even heard of meth, I suddenly thought everything bad I had ever though or heard about it was wrong. Meth is so deceiving. I thought the feelings I had when I was high was reality. It was like flipping a switch.

With meth, everything went from bad to worse- much, much worse. I hallucinated terrifying things while staying up for a week at a time. I was beaten almost every time we came crashed when coming down. During one episode I overdosed on pills and spent the night in the ICU, another time I slit my wrist and fought my husband over the knife while my 4-yr.-old watched. A couple of times I got to the point I was coughing up blood and passing out. None of what it was doing to me was enough to make me quit.

However, our then 6 children were praying for us to quit. God opened my eyes to what I was doing to them. Our oldest would beg for us to quit fighting just so she could sleep for school. Our children were terrified and traumatized. Our 2-yr.-old shook and threw up because she was scared of what would happen. Something snapped and I decided I couldn’t do this to them anymore.

David was supposed to quit with me, but he didn’t. The last time he came home high I told him I was leaving and taking the kids. He responded by grabbing a rifle and shooting himself under the chin while I was laying next to him. He miraculously survived although he was severely injured and spent most of the next year recovering from his injury.

I’ve now been clean for over 9 years. I like to think that I would have never used again anyway. But to be honest I just don’t know. The cravings over the next year were so intense and I was so crazy I don’t know if I would have been able to stay sober if not for his injury and our constant support from each other and other family members. There is a reason the recovery rate is so low – it is the most powerful mind altering drug I have ever encountered. It is straight from hell.

I hate meth. I hate what it does to families, especially the innocent children. If you are using meth – get help. Quit however you can. If you have never used don’t try it – NOT EVEN ONCE – you will regret it, if you live long enough to be able to.