Speak Up

When I was 15 years old my mother found out I skipped school twice with my boyfriend, at the time we were both innocent. I was still a virgin as was he. The day after she found out she picked me up from school, all my belongings were in the back of her car and she drove me 800 miles to my dad's house. When we arrived she moved all my things into the house and left me there, saying that I was his problem now. Two weeks later I began injecting meth, because smoking seemed so wrong to me. I was slamming dope, cheese, yayo ... anything I could fit into a rig. I wanted to see how deep I could go and survive. Two months later my mother finally flew me home, I used for another eight months before I had some sort of wake-up call. My dealer's brother gave me a ride, but instead of driving me home; he parked, handcuffed me to his steering wheel, and gave me a huge blast, after that the memory goes black. Two weeks later I put myself through detox and smoked pot religiously for the next five years. Four months ago my fiancee moved in with me, I helped him get clean and stay away from shit. Then we both lost our jobs, our power, and food stamps; I took my one and a half year old daughter to her father and he took care of her while I attempted to get shit together. But finally I decided I'd rather do shit with him than always wonder if he was lying to me and because adderall honestly just didn't cut it for me at all. We used a couple times and I thought we maintained control, but in two and a half months everything spiraled. We got evicted from our home, we started slamming it again, we were selling it and rolling with the cooks rather than getting jobs and staying clean. Finally, when we discovered how serious shit was, we went home. That night I went to the ER voluntarily to get rehydrated because my mind felt like it was boiling, I was down to 98 pounds where I'd been 130 lbs when we started. They blue slipped me in the ER and he was arrested for warrants. I spent 2 days in a behavioral unit and when I was released I found out my mom & friend had packed my apartment up and I had to find a storage unit for it all. I saw my man, he thought I'd given up on him not been locked up too, we're stronger than ever now. First two weeks were fucking terrifying, homeless & staying in my car, & I could have just driven to my dealer's and been completely taken care of. Instead, I finally realized what we'd been doing & how dangerously close to death we'd both been. If we had continued we would have never come back or something awful could have happened. God protected us, we'd prayed through the entire thing and that's what has saved me. I've been rebuilding my friendship with my daughter's father, I see her all the time now it's wonderful to show my clean drug test results. To see that smile of approval on his face was overwhelming. My fiancee, Indica, he's as determined as I am to stay away from that world. He's forgiven me for helping him out of his hell and walking back into it and told me that he respects me more than anyone for walking through the devil's lair with him and coming out of it, I don't ever want to touch dope again. I think about what it would feel like to do it again, but I couldn't do it alone & I couldn't ever let him do it again, it's just not an option for either of us. We've been given a reprieve by God. We read the bible each night, though he's in jail, and there are so many small things that have happened between us, we've been blessed. And are destined for greatness, we want to help others We shared a needle numerous times, something neither of us ever dared do with others, and now ... we belong to each other not just emotionally but physically. If you've never banged, that won't make sense. And if you've ever been 'royalty' in The Game, you know exactly how hard it is to stay away from that kind of help, that kind of respect. But best believe I am happier struggling to stay clean than I ever was using.