Speak Up

When I was little my mom smoked meth. I found meth pipes all around our house. Luckily my grandma arrived and took it from me, broke it with her foot and made sure my mom knew. I had to raise my younger brother and we were taken away by the state. My grandma took us from them, she was my guardian angel. You think it would be great, but they moved to another state and my older brother, who I looked up to, couldn't come with us. When my mom cleaned up, she visited once a year or two. She always said she had things to do down there to get my older brother back. When she did get his custody, he left her and planned on getting married. That didn't get her to come to her senses, she stayed down there. My younger brother thinks she hates him, and I see no evidence to prove otherwise. I try to reassure him, but I feel the same way. I have battled depression and suicidal thoughts for three years. My brother and I have PTSD from seeing what we did. Between the abusive boyfriends and, now that I am old enough to understand it, the dangers we had to face with her drug abuse, we are messed up. I have a fear about taking Tylenol, because I am afraid I will get addicted. We take things one day at a time and try to think about things as little as possible, but now I have separation anxiety towards my grandma-it gives me constant headaches when she leaves, and I have a fear she is going to leave this earth and leave me. I hate the idea of being alone. My younger brother is drifting away, because he doesn't need me to raise him anymore, my older brother and I haven't seen each other in over six years. And I can't remember the last time my mom visited. When my birthday comes the only thing I wish for is my mom and my brother to come back. I know it will never happen, though.