Speak Up

I don't want to let go of the wild love I have for you in my heart. If I could go back I would appreciate each moment more. I would make better choices. I wouldn't let meth destroy me and the people I love. Now I feel everything. I feel the reality of each choice I have made become closer and harsher. If I look back too long I am filled with sadness loneliness and despair. My warped sense of what was happening around me makes less and less sense. I am letting this tear me up. So now I pray and ask for forgiveness, self forgiveness, and the ability to just be okay. I fear if I get too confident or too excited I will fuck up again in some way. My daughters father was shot and killed before I ever got to make amends with him and include him in her life, just another price to pay for being a foolish and selfish junkie. This hurts so bad, I never knew reality hurt until now.