Speak Up

I started pot when I was 10 because I wanted to be cool. When I was 15 or 16 I tried meth for the first time in a pot joint. I used cocaine here and there until I was 18 and started living with my boyfriend. The cocaine turned from a weekend thing to an everyday thing. After we broke up I started dating my best friend whose drug of choice was meth. At 19 I used meth everyday but thought I had it under control because I still maintained my hygiene, wasn't a "picker", ate, maintained fluids and slept. I became pregnant and sober but 5 months later suffered a miscarriage my drug use got worse. 3 months later I was pregnant and sober again, 5 months later another tragedy and my use became even worse. One night my boyfriend and I were watching a movie and I started picking at my hand without even realizing it. The next day I had a huge spot on my hand that I told everyone was a burn from the oven. This began to happen more and more often. I started spending 6-8 hours a day in the mirror just picking at my face and back. My boyfriend would go to work and come home and I would still be sitting on the bathroom sink picking at my face. I would wash my face and put antibiotic ointment on my sores to help them heal. One day my parents tried to come over and I wouldn't let them but they did anyway. They saw what a mess I was and tried to offer me help but of course I thought I was fine and turned them away. I was in college at the time and the downward spiral of my life was visible in my grades from straight As to straight Fs and a GPA of 0.6 I stole several of my Mom's checks and wrote them to myself totaling about $2000 before she found out. She never gave up on me and decided not to report me to the police. I had a huge scar on my chest at one point from where I had picked myself so badly. I was pale and extremely thin. I was so desperate when I ran out that I would scour the carpet and smoke whatever I found that looked like a rock. I was at my dealer's house one day cleaning their house for drugs (which is better than selling myself to them but was still very humiliating) and decided to take a shower. As I was dressing one of the guys opened the bathroom door with a semi automatic rifle and told me the police were there. I emptied my purse (so my drugs were not with my ID) and exited the bathroom. When I went into the living room it was empty. I heard someone shout from outside "We got movement" I then heard "Walk to the door and come outside with your hands up" I did this and as soon as I was outside heard multiple clicks of weapons and saw several laser dots on my body. There was a raid on my dealer's house while I was there. I had never been so scared in my entire life. I was interrogated in the police car for almost 2 hours before they believed I was not involved in the sales and distribution of the drug. I never wanted to get high more than at that moment and this was also the first time I wanted to run away from it. I never realized what a loser I was until I was walking barefoot down the street completely alone. I made a vow to be sober and just in time. I ended up pregnant again. I gave birth to a beautiful little girl in Sept. of 2004. my boyfriend and I married in 2006 and have been sober since just before I became pregnant with our oldest daughter. We also now have a 3 year old daughter as well. It is embarrassing that I cannot fully tell my 8 year old why I am just now going to school and didn't finish when I was younger. I have a long way to my doctorate and had I not wasted so much of my life behind a pipe could be proud of my past and much closer to my career goals. Neither of us have any adverse health issues due to our use. I realize now how lucky we are to have been able to get away from our addiction without arrests or illnesses. Not even once is the perfect slogan because that truly is all it takes and your life is gone,often forever and you don't even know you have lost it. The drug is in control never you,never.