Speak Up

Unfortunately I am writing this as I am still up and wanting to sleep but can't. I said I would never do it, who would shove chemicals so dangerous up their nose and think thats a good idea. I started the drug game addicted to dope...which led to me doing one thing I thought I would never do and that was smoking crack. I finally realized I had a problem when my life was unmanageable to the "t." I wanted help and knew I was doomed if not so I admitted myself to rehab. Everything was going great and I was changing my thinking into the potential person I haven't encountered for years. I came home and everything was going great...then the pink cloud burst and reality set in. Next think I know something I swore I would never do...I was magically morphed by my disease into a hotel room where I did meth for hours and hours upon end. I loved the feeling, I loved who I was. Till 4 days later with no sleep I was done and wanted to kill myself. Did I stop there??? No I went out and got some more and did way too much hoping my heart would explode. That was 12 days ago...since then I have broken everything I have touched and my kids are the next thing that will get taken away. I am 34 years old and too old for this shit yet 12 days later I write this as I can't sleep. I am reading about pyschosis and bugs and shit like that but the devil in me says "that won't happen to you, you're good." I don[t want to give up I want to live and be the best I can be. But I know as I had more dropped off tonight, that tomorrow when I am tired from lack of sleep I WILL start the process over again. I don't know myself and I have everyone looking up to me while I am literally playing shadow games and lying. I thought when I relapsed after 43 days...well as along as I don't do dope I won't get sick. Now I am pushing myself to the brink of insanity. I am aware of what I am doing and have poured my heart out but when I am alone at my house I can't fight the devil. I don't even know myself anymore and don't even know who I can become. I know that I am pretty positive that if I keep up this route I will die. There is no fear right now and I am at a bottomless pit. Everyone tells me not to pick up and I hear them but I don't. Why am I self sabotaging myself??? When will I wake up??? I don't want to die or fuck the rest of my life up. I don't want this vicious cycle to continue because at some point it will end. I want to do the right things but have I already checked out and dont know it? I don't know how to stop...its such an easy task but I can't get my head around it. I've cheated, I've lied I've stolen, I've robbed and I've been doing the devils work by coercing others to join me in misery. I just want it to stop. I don't want this anymore I just don't know how to stop and the fact that death doesn't scare me right now is a problem. I don't believe in religion, I'm not sure I'm drinking the coolaid of a higher power but I just really want to surrender and give up to god ...but for some reason I can't. I really hope I haven't sold myself to the devil and I really don't want a scary wake up call. Its like passing a horrific car accident, you know you don't want to look but you do anyway. How do I stop looking? Please someone somewhere help me because I can't help myself. Sponsors, loved ones, no one can stop me. I want this screaming train wreck to stop and not derail...please...