Speak Up

Sitting here writing this just astounds me at all of the craziness meth caused in my life. I dabbled a little with meth when I was 18,but didn't like the way it made me look (like a skeleton). So I quit.I smoked a lot of pot,drank & did LSD for about 3 years. Then I met a guy & would snort a line or two w/him.I started hanging out with a group of people that did a lot of meth & I would generally roll up a line in TP & eat it. Well,then I met the love of my life;my soul mate. We dealt & always had dope on hand.He was a shooter & one day I asked him if I could try.That was the end of life as I knew it.Iwas a junkie.I couldn't get enough!I would stay up for weeks at a time,surviving on Sprite & Snickers.I got so strung out once that I was hearing voices that weren't there & I freaked out.Some friends put me in handcuffs & then submerged me in an ice bath.I hadn't slept for 9 days.We got married & it was a love hate relationship.We fought constantly about dope & jealousy.We beat the hell out of each other.I bit his finger to the bone,he kicked me in the face with steeltoed boots & cracked my cheekbone.It was insanity.On our 3 month anniversary the DEA came in & arrested him for delivery.He got 12 yrs federal time.I went to a treatment center & gave my mom custody of my 2 sons.I stayed clean for 18 months.This time I completely jumped in.I lost my job,I lost my home..we were living in a homeless shelter.So I decided to move out of state & get my sh*t together.It was wonderful!I spent time with my family & enjoyed the clean life.Until...my dad died.Once again I found myself with a needle in my arm.I focused all of my time on getting high or I was in bed sick from withdrawal.My kids were raising themselves.This went on for about 2 years.My mom had been begging me to move from Idaho to Oklahoma where she was.I was tired of being sick & tired.So I packed up our necessities & moved to Oklahoma with backpacks.We got there in August of 2001 by November I had hooked up with my soon to be 2nd husband.And the downward spiral started again.This time even crazier.Not only was my new husband a junkie he had mental issues.We would dope & fight.I would try to saty clean & have a semblance of normalcy.Trying to work & keep my job.He would wake me in the middle of the night punching me or raping me.I couldn't take it anymore!So we decided to get clean.He couldn't.I dropped to me knees at the altar one Sunday morning & said God I can't do this anymore!Thatwas November 2002.I stayed clean & took care of my family.He was still using heavily & continued to attack me.Yes,I should have left,but I kept thinking that if only he would quit we could have a happy family.In March of 2003 he had been up tweaking fer dy rough & scary times.I went through another di rough & scary times.I went through another di rough & scary times.I went through another di rough & scary times.I went through another di rough & scary times.I went through another di rough & scary times.I went through another divorce 2 years ao,my grandfather died & a few months later my grandmother died.My mom worried so much that I was going to go out & use again.But,I just kept praying for the Lords protection & peace.I've beat myself up over what I put my children through & have felt so guilty.I apologize & ask for their forgiveness.They are 23 & 21 now and they tell me,"it's ok mom look at who you are today".I love them so very much & I'm grateful that nothing horrible happened to them over the years with all of the stupid choices I made & the risks I took. f I can say one thing to those out there it would be NOT EVEN ONCE!It is so not worth the insanity & devastation that meth brings upon a user.Yes I enjoyed getting high & it made me feel good & took the pain away...TEMPORARILY! and when I came down there were 10 more problems + the ones I was trying to escape in the first place. My thoughts & prayers are going out to those who are fighting for their lives & for those of you who areinnocent.