Speak Up

This is pretty discomforting trying to explaine how meth has effected my life, but its something i need to get out. It all started when i turned 21 , used to be an alchohalic when i was 19 but having full acess to it a different story. The first day of college i snuck a water bottle full of vodka into class , that was my mentality. Two words.... Fuck it. After a while i started to become out of control, I used to start fights and hurt people when i was drunk even my closest friends didnt want to go out in public with me because i was a liability. I knew i was but i didnt care at all thats when the two words came back... Fuck it. Started to do cocaine with alchohal to balance it out, Alot of my friends were doing it at that time.But by the time i was 22 it wasnt strong enough and it cost to much and only lasted like 20 minutes . I knew meth was at least 5X times stronger... When i started i thought it wouldnt take control of me at all, 2 times a month turned in to 3 times a week. I hated being around meth addicts though it made me sick, i would just get my shit and go but after a while i became one . After a month i couldnt even look my family or friends in there eyes. The people im closest to and grew up with all my life, i couldnt even look at them in there eyes after doing meth for one month..... 22years basically gone in a month. I never told anyone about it. When i turned 23 i told myself i would stop for good, id stay sober for ten days but like a mouse finds cheese in a maze i always ended up gettin it, Stayed sober for ten days and then high for 2 days i would relapse repeatively. and no one knew thats what probably messed them up. Just being around people when your on meth drains all theyre energy and it sometimes makes your family more hurt than you are because they dont have an answer.The biggest mistake i made was pushing away my closest friend, she was like my little sis. I guided her through all the hard times forever im pretty sure that gave her a sense of security. When i was on meth i wasnt there for her and when i finally was , i was just hurting her. I dont usually say the L word, But i love her with all my heart I asked for one last chance at least 3 times and just kept messing it up and pushing her further away. Thats when it hit me hard. Ive been sober since september 5. One thing i realized is that i need to give my self another chance before i ask for one. Cant ask for forgiveness untill you forgive yourself. Its a very hard drug to kick but be strong and think of the future, because if you cant quit now you will not have one.