Speak Up

I started doing crystal meth 9 years ago. Had I known then what I know now, I can't honestly say whether or not things would have played out any differently. The main reason I started was because of a boy. I thought I loved him. He admittedly tried to kill me, what a prince, right? It ended up being the best feeling in the world. I struggled with depression and anxiety all of my life and I finally felt "at home" on meth. I never wanted to feel another way. It made everything better for a while. My music, I became so much more creative and able to write beautiful things. And I had never had good sex before meth. I never had to miss out on anything because I stayed up for several days at a time frequently. I spent 19 years of my life confused, insecure, and uncertain. But I was good at meth. It fit me. It seemed to make sense. For a while anyway. Then it got really messed up. I would forget to eat and lost so much weight I was given the nickname "corpse." After staying awake for 3 or more days I had vivid hallucinations of people "chasing me with a gun," I would see "dead people" and hear voices. I knew I was going crazy but I was too crazy on meth to care. At least I wasn't insecure any more. I wasn't lost any more. There's nobody to answer to among other junkies. It doesn't matter if you have a college degreee or a good job or anything really. You don't need any of that to be good at crystal meth. The girls who had all of the things I had wanted before? Didn't matter. I was convinced I was having way more fun. Plus I was now "hardcore." People were intimidated by me. At the time I was flattered by it, looking back, I don't blame them. I did all of the things you typically hear people talk about. Stealing, sex, violence, etc. I had psychotic episodes, organ failure. I stopped breathing completely one night. My kidneys began to shut down, My hair fell out. I picked at the same sore for over a year. My teeth started cracking. When would enough be enough? 5 and a half years ago coming down off another binge, I felt my mind slipping. I actually had visions of myself in a white jacket in a small room. I was going insane. I could feel my mind slipping. I knew I wouldn't make it any longer on this drug. I resolved that night to get sober for good. I'm 28 now. I put it down at 23. The saddest part of this story is the aftermeth: I suffer from a multitude of health problems to this day as a direct result of methamphetamine abuse. My teeth required extensive work that I began paying for 3 years ago and am still in debt over. My kidneys are damaged and don't filter things well any more. They swell on a regular basis and I can hardly have a sip of alcohol without them swelling to the point of unbearable pain. I have mild dyslexia now and impaired short term memory. The malnutrition caused my pancreas to no longer correctly process insulin and I'm now pre-diabetic.My blood sugar fluctuates all of the time and managing my weight has become difficult. It never was before. My hormone levels are messed up which affects reproductivity. I've since been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and often feel anhedoniac (inability to feel pleasure.) I was out of work for over 2 years and developed a spending addiction that ultimately lead to bankruptcy. I'm still trying to fix my credit. I'm tired all of the time. There are still days when I sleep for 12-15 hours and could go right back to sleep 2 hours later. The permanent damage has been devestating. I ofen wonder what my life would be like now had I not damaged so much. But, on another note, I'm grateful to be alive, as I shouldn't be. Bottom line, meth kils. And dying to live is no way to live. Though I still struggle with these things I have been off of it for going on 6 years now. It's a fight that takes a strong person, but I really believe where there's a will there's a way. Blessings to you and may you all find hope and help.