Speak Up

I was adopted and felt like I did not belong. I started injecting meth at the age of 15. Not a day went by that I didn't know deep inside that I didn't really belong in this life either; however, I became addicted to how good I felt from that first hit. Slowly my life became just as unbearable as before my first use and as the years went on I became desperate and alone. Lost and hopeless I drug my children through a life style that represented on the outside how I had always felt on the inside........broken and worthless. In June, 2007, at the age of 42, I was busted in a motel with meth and my then 7 year old daughter. I was faced with a decision, continue on this life of destruction or stop. This moment in time CHANGED my life forever!!! My husband and I went to treatment and while in treatment met some wonderful people that sponsored us to attend a Christian based weekend. I found a GOD unlike the one I knew as a child; kind, gentle, forgiving and that loved me unconditionally. From this weekend, I learned that I was not worthless. I had grown up in a family of abuse and a victim to my parents dysfunction; however, I learned that no matter what I have done, GOD forgives me and loves me despite these flaws and failures.....BECAUSE of these flaws and failures!! When we allow ourselves a voice, that voice can be our life. I have learned in my recovery how to trust, love, and forgive myself and others by taking a chance and allowing myself to be real and raw. Sharing my experience, strength and hope with others became my service to me and GOD!! I will never be able to change the past; however, by being clean and aware of my actions, I can change what I do from this point on! What an awesome gift and role model I can be for others! I decided early in my recovery that I did not want to ever go back to that deperation I felt so I channelled my energy into becoming a counselor and working with others that struggle. I have been blessed to be surrounded by people that I know care about me. I do not ever want to make this experience seem easy...........it was not!! I had and consistently have to stay aware of by character defects and quickly make amends to those I wrong. My life is not perfect........life on life's terms can be painful and extremely difficult.....even when we are substance free! I love this new way of life and know the farther I am from using the closer I can be to using again. I recognize the substances were only symptoms of a deeper issue.........ME!! Thank you for having a site like this so I can share my thoughts!! Remeber, we cannot possibly solve problems with the same mind that created them.....pick up that phone and reach out to others when your life is unmanageable! Even when it is not! Susanne