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Why meth why me

I'm always looking for the next high I always been that way and when some meth got passed my way I wasn't gonna say no. It was real innocent I mean I was smoking out a little light bulb. It didn't seem that serious. And tbh the high confused me. I was use to a trippy high and I wasn't sure I liked the way I was feeling. I guess you could say I almost expected more but what I'm saying doesn't mean s&^% cause as I write this I'm a crystal meth addict in almost every way. Let me say that meth isn't fun for me it stopped being fun a long time ago. It's routine now. I'm never without my meth and my meth pipe and I better not have forgot a lighter. I don't let it get outta my site it's with me at all times. I take it room to room with me. It's normal to bring my meth pipe with me to work and smoke in the bathroom as often as I can. I smoke all day and all night no exaggeration. I might step away but it's not long before I'm ready and craving more. At this point I can act somewhat like a normal person even though meth don't ever get the chance to leave my system but for that reason I'm better off then some other users. I've maintained a grip on life still and I'm very fortunate it's been that way. Yes I work. And I'll leave it up to you to just imagine how much meth I gotta smoke before I feel like I'm able enough to show up for my shift but hey least I support my own habit. I don't just go to the store, I smoke a s&^% ton of meth then I go to the store. Before I can do anything I mean anything smoking meth is a must. I use to be my own motivation I use to live for me and do for me and I today meth is the only reason I can find to continue on. I didn't have much to lose to begin with but anything I did have meth replaced. I love meth I'll admit it but I'll also admit I been using it long enough that I'm now stuck with the negative side of the drug all the pain and Jesus Christ the depression. I've struggled with depression on my own for years and what I felt before doesn't compare to the way I suffer these days. Idk how to even describe it other then true F#$%ing sadness. A werid habit I picked up while smoking meth is that I talk to myself. I mean in full on conversation with real ass responses. But I'm thankful for it cause there's been a few nights where I wanted to die so badly it felt pretty unreal to wanna take my own life like that. And talking yourself outta suicide don't seem uncommon but it scared me when I caught myself fighting and arguing with my damn self. I use to watch cops with my mom and I'd see these psychos apparently high on meth and again I felt confused cause I literally just smoked some meth and I'm good I'm chillen. Maybe they got a bad batch. But guess what? If I watched that episode again I bet I can compare myself and in more then one way to that psycho. I changed before I even knew it and when I got around my boyfriend after being apart for some 7 months that's when I noticed I wasn't so much myself anymore. It took getting around the person I love the most to see the damage that already been done. You can't avoid it either I mean it your someone you never wanted to be and you change before you even got the chance to notice a difference in yourself. Now a days I hide away in my house all alone just me and my meth. I no longer have a job and I seem to be on a never ending bad trip so finding the same wants I had just a short while ago are lost they been lost and now are outta reach. I said I still had a grip on life? Nah I'm wasting away day by day and that's a fact. I use to know that I mattered that I had value but I can tell you I'm not s&^% and all I got left is meth. That might sound lovely but just wait till it's you living the way I have to. I'd give it all up change my ways and put meth in my past cause I still remember what happy felt like. When your left with nothing and no one your buddy meth will start torturing you. You think your at your lowest just wait cause it's about to get even worse

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