Speak Up

May 12, 2015 will be 18 years sober. Exactly half of my life. You would think I would be past it all by now but I miss it as much as a lost friend. The craving never totally goes away and at times i even think about it, even dream about it. I never consider myself a recovered addict.. I see myself as an addict that has not had any in a long time. I started young, about 15 or so and was hooked from the first time. I never was into pot, no gateway drugs to speak of, I went straight to meth. I was the type that would say "im in control". And honestly I think i was until the last 3 months when something happened that caused it to all fall apart. One night i began to come down and felt a presence of someone visiting me. It scared the hell out of me and i stayed up all night stressing that it/they would come back. The next morning i told my friends and they laughed at me. After several weeks of this i stopped talking to my friends because they didnt believe me. I was a wreck from stress and lack of sleep. I stayed up several nights waiting to find/meet/catch who this was that was visiting me. Hey it made perfect sence to me at the time. After too many long nights of this I finally overdosed. My first overdose ever. I wont get into the details of my overdose, I cant even think about it without anxiety kicking in. All i was concerned with was getting better so i can get High. 2 weeks later and not anywhere near fully recovered I dosed up.... Overdose #2. Fast forward to today, physically i never fully recovered but im ok... cant complain. After a year or so from my last overdose i came to terms with the fact that nobody was ever visiting me. The term "SOBER" in no ways means cured, recovered or normal. I see the word as meaning "temporary" "for now"... Knowing im not cured, recovered, healed, etc.... And i can go back to the habit at any time and continue from where i left off. The fear never goes away, the love never goes away... I miss my friend