Speak Up

As I made that decision to fly high in the sky many thoughts went pumping through my brain. Even though I was three and half years sober I thought I could try it just one more time...maybe this meth high would be different...better...boy was I wrong. Wanting to go everywhere, like time was not a factor things started to change. My high went from exhalerating to a full blown one way ticket to Hell. As I try to calm my breath and clear my thoughts...images, words and phrases started scrambling in my head. Confusion and panic came in to play, all I could do was grind my teeth, bite holes in my mouth and bite through the sides of my tongue to keep from having a heart attack. As the second day passes by with no sleep, no food, swollen mouth with a pale face I try to tell myself that I have everything under control...I was in rehab before and I know how to sober up on my own. I was naive to think that I did not relapse, I told myself that one time is not a relapse that I will come out of it and be just fine. I am laying in bed hiding from my father of the shame of letting him and everybody I love down, I run to the bathroom and with every ounce of strength I have I chuck the beautiful crystal powder into the toliet and flush it so I will never have to see it again. I cry because my life has changed I have relapsed and I know that I cannot face this terrible pain alone...I need help but who to turn to when everyone has high expectations of you. I drive to my aunt's house, the only person I know who will not judge me for she to has seen the disease of addiction in her own children's lives. We both sit there and cry, she comforts me and tells me that I am strong for throwing the meth away when I could have kept it and kept using it. Even though her words are sweet and full of knowledge I can't help but think of the pain I have caused everybody for my selfish habbits. Wanting to get high off meth just to have that never ending rush of energy even though I knew deep down that I would make the worst mistake of my life. However using meth for the second time caused my full blown relapse, I have been slipping far before then with multpile narcotics and the famous mary jane...it just took this one line to change my whole perspective of just how dangerous my addiction to drugs and alcohol really is. Asking for help is not something I do often for I am very independent but I now know that I cannot beat this overwhelming pain of needing to fly high by myself. I need help and I have come to realize that it's not the fact of how many people can help and support me, it's who was there for me before, during and will positiviely stick with me through every challenging moment of my life. Even though I will have to live with this disease of addiction, worrying every minute I could relapse with any triggers that scope me out I have faith in myself that I can become meth and drug free.